The Windows 95 Drinking Game

The Windows 95 Drinking Game

(A bit out of date, but...)

This is to be done while watching a Windows 95 Infomercial

Drink once:
  • Every time cute ethnic child is shown being more productive through the use of Windows 95.
  • A "new" feature of Windows 95 is shown that has been implemented in the Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions for years.
  • Someone makes a reference to Bill Gate's money or success.
  • The word "virtual" is used.
  • Microsoft's new computer network is refered to as "MSN".
  • When "Joe/Jane Q. Computer User's" computing concerns are "solved by Windows 95".
  • A 1-800 number is displayed.
  • Whenever "Plug and Play" is used.
  • A reference to how "easy it is" is made.
  • An old person is shown using the computer.
  • The computer speaks directly to the camera.
  • A spokesman from the computer industry praises Windows 95.
  • The word "upgrade" is used.

Drink twice:
  • When a crappy feature/bug of Windows 3.1 has been fixed by Windows 95.
  • Some politically correct/assinine icon/metaphore is used for a standard function (i.e. ``recycle bin'').
  • Someone "doesn't understand" a feature, and needs it explained in detail.
  • Plug and Play is refered to as "PnP".
  • Any time Anthony Edwards (the host) says the words, "World Wide Web".
  • Large, bloated, yet obsolete mega-corporations, toady up to Bill in the hope that some of his sucess will rub off.
  • Anyone makes a medical joke to Anthony Edwards.
  • Any time the phrase "Now is the time..." is used.
  • A person is shown meeting some "Sandra Bullockesque" love interest through MSN.
  • A feature of MSN duplicates an existing internet service.
  • The 'net is refered to as the "Information Superhighway".
  • You are invited to publish your own Web page.
  • You are reminded that Windows 95 will allow you to attempt any of the following trivial tasks: balancing home checkbook/budget, college term paper, manage your stock portfolio, order flowers or a pizza, play games, E-mail your grandmother, make plane reservations, "chat" online, medical imaging, research dinosaurs, download porn, play "global thermonuclear war," or open the pod bay doors.

Drink three times:
  • Bill makes reference to his wealth and/or sucess.
  • A crappy feature/bug from Windows 3.1 continues on into Windows 95.
  • Any reference to "screw-up".
  • A reference to "You've been waiting a long time, but now here it is..."
  • Windows 95 crashes the demonstration computer.
  • A competitor's product is shown.
  • They tell you that this is "the last operating system you'll ever need."
  • Bill breaks down, turns to the camera and say "Easy is not better!"

Drain it!
  • A "new" feature intoduced in Windows 95 is totally original, never before implemented in Mac OS, OS/2, or third party extensions.
  • An animated version of Anthony Edwards or Bill Gates appears.
  • Anthony Edwards remarks offhandedly, "You ever notice how much Windows looks like the Macintosh operating system?"
    Drain another if Bill answers, "Nah, we swiped it from Xerox."
  • An explaination to why Windows 95 was released a scant few months before '96.
  • Canter & Seigal spam MSN with ads for their latest book before the end of the program.
  • Bill apologizes for his monopolistic business strategy, crappy software, and cult of personality, and hands rights over to Linus Torvalds.
  • Charlie Chaplin "spokesman" from the IBM campaign shows up.

Puke when:
  • Bill admits he plans to change it all in a few years to copy Novell. He just wanted to ease us into it.
  • It's admitted that they still base everything on out-of-date I/O processing.

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