How good a Darth Vader would you make?
This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron.
Separate paper will be distributed for the essay section.
Multiple Choice Section:
- What color is your cape/cloak?
A - White or grey
B - Mauve or fluorescent orange
C - Brown or blue
D - Pure black
- Describe your voice:
A - A mellifluous tenor, radiating peace and light
B - High and squeaky, kind of like the noise generated by hitting
a mouse with a mallet (and now for something completely different!)
C - Strong and commanding, with deep overtones of control and evil
D - Low enough to shatter windows and gravely as a sea bed, kind
of like you'd been hit in the throat by a semi when you were four
- Describe your Force skills:
A - I am a Jedi, like my father before me.
B - I don't have any Force skills, but I do get good cable
C - I have just enough Force sensitivity to say "I have a bad
feeling about this" with authority.
D - I can crush your puny larynx like a grape, you dweeb.
- An officer under your command informs you that, through his
own incompetence, he has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape. You:
A - Tell him in a kind, understanding, voice that he really should
B - Give him a blender and do the dance of joy.
C - Fire him and cancel his Christmas bonus.
D - Kill him, then spit on his lifeless body.
- The new officer under your command informs you that, through no
fault of his own, the Rebel scum have escaped. You:
A - Pat him on the back and say that you understand, everyone has
a bad day now and then.
B - Click your ruby heels together three times and say, "There's
no place like Burger King, there's no place like Burger King."
C - Commend him for trying and send him back to his post.
D - Kill him, then kick his lifeless body.
His replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your
A - Smile understandingly and step to the side.
B - Ask him to do it again.
C - Step on his toe.
D - Kill him, then have his body fed to the Rancor.
- Luke Skywalker is your:
A - Best friend.
B - Dog.
C - Feared persecutor.
D - Arch-enemy. Or son. Your choice.
- Complete the following sentence:
"You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a...
A - ...really nice guy. I respect you, sir."
B - ...chicken. Or was it lizard? I can never remember..."
C - ...traitor. Take her away!"
D - ...corpse. Good riddance." (this is the only one Vader
- The Emperor calls you his:
A - enemy
B - nephew
C - doormat
D - right hand
- Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze
with the Force?
A - None, I give loving hugs.
B - the bladder
C - the heart or brain
D - All of them, but the trachea if I'm just practicing.
Optional strategy section:
Given a copy of the Mona Lisa, Dali's Persistence of Time, and
a crayon drawing of mommy, daddy, and kat, how long would it take you
to destroy human civilization?
A - Ten years
B - Twelve parsecs
C - A day
D - Ten minutes
Optional ethics section:
You are given a choice between killing a kitten and eating a
A - Give them both a hug
B - Kill the Twinkie
C - Kill the kitten
D - Kill the kitten with the Twinkie
Optional xenobiology section:
What alien species would you most like to exterminate?
A - Hutts
B - Tribbles
C - Ewoks
D - Non-humans
Optional navigation section:
You have the fastest ship in the galaxy. How fast can you do
the Kessel Run?
A - 12 parsecs
B - 12 liters
C - 12 days
D - 12 Rebel corpses
Optional Jedi Knight section:
What is the power of this technological terror insignificant
A - The power of the Force.
B - The power that only wet suction can muster.
C - The power of that technological terror.
D - The power of me.
You are trapped, alone, on a desert planet. What five things
do you take with you, and who do you kill with them?
If you answered (a majority of the time):
A - You are a Rebel weenie. Get off the net, you dweeb.
B - You are an idiot. I'd tell you to get off the net, too, but
you wouldn't understand me.
C - You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise high in the
Empire. Good luck!
D - You are a Dark Lord of the Sith. Go kick some Rebel ass.